Wario: So, are you ready?
DK: (hoots in excitement)
Wario: Okay! (hides Waluigi's Rubber Ducky under one of the cups and shuffles the cups around, all the while making grunting noises. After a beat, DK chooses the middle cup and hoots while pointing at it)
Wario: Okay! (he picks the cup up, revealing nothing underneath)
DK: Nooooooooo! (doubles over in agony, slamming his fists on the ground)
Wario: (mockingly) Oh no! Wah-ha-ha-ha-ha! (a speech bubble with a coin inside appears as DK stands up and smacks the cups off the table, causing Waluigi's sunglasses and rubber ducky to fall. A furious DK curls his fists up, screeching)
Wario: (running away) Good luck!
Waluigi: Awwwww! Ah-wah-wah-wah-wah! (runs away from DK while dodging the barrels he throws at him)
DK: GET OVER HERE!!!
(Wario tries to start up his go-kart, grumbling impatiently as Waluigi jumps aboard. The two speed across the road, with Waluigi hanging on to the exhaust pipes and DK hanging onto Waluigi's leg)
(The go-kart crashes, sending DK flying out of Smexy Town. As Wario comes to his senses, Waluigi calls for his attention)
Waluigi: Ha-ha! Waluigi's number one! (turns around, revealing a piece of broken exhaust pipe and a banana stuck to his back. Wario scratches his head in confusion. Cut to the two walking down the sidewalk dejectedly)
Wario: Oh, no! Somebody cheated! I can't lose! Why aren't we earning billions of coins right now?...
(Waluigi walks towards a bulletin board, with Wario following suit)
(We zoom in on the bulletin board, showing a post-it note announcing a golf tournament rewarding 1 million coins)
Wario: I'm-a-number one!
(Cut to a Justin Bieber advertisement on the bulletin board. Wario snaps Waluigi out of his trance by punching him, then drags him off, snickering. We then see the Wario Bros. on a golf course, with a windmill behind them)
Wario: Oh, yeah!
(Wario throws his golf club into the air, which comes back down and knocks him out cold. The two head towards the front desk)
Receptionist: Hello sir, can I take your order?
Receptionist: (puzzled) Umm excuse me?...
Wario: (holding his club) Wah!
Waluigi: (holding a golf ball) Weh!
Waluigi: Aw, come on!
(Cut to a sign stating "golf competition sign-up", with a deformed-looking Waluigi popping up)
(Waluigi screams at the receptionist, frightening him. We then cut to Round 1, where Mario is preparing to make his shot)
Mario: I'm-a-bet you can't do this! FOOOOORRRE!
(Mario hits the ball, which ricochets off the railing and hits a reclining Luigi, knocking him off the rock and landing in the hole for a Hole-in-One)
Luigi: (sobbing) Oh, my nose!
Mario: (sarcastically) Sorry, bro. JUST KIDDING, B*TCH!
Wario: Ehhhh. (shouting at Waluigi) Hurry up, will ya?
Waluigi: Waluigi Time! (sets his golf ball down, which features an image of his own face) Wah, this looks too easy! Look out!
(Waluigi hits the golf ball, which goes flying out of the park. Wario panics and charges after the ball)
Wario: WAAAAAAAH! I can't lose! Ah! I got it!
(The ball hits Wario square in the face, rebounding backwards, only for Wario to intercept it again. Wario keeps blocking the ball from escaping, and is knocked out every time, but the ball still lands in the hole, causing a Hole-in-One as Waluigi celebrates)
Waluigi: Ha ha! Waluigi's number one!
(Wario crawls up to him, groaning in pain)
Waluigi: Heh-heh! Don't expect mouth-to-mouth!
(We next cut to Round 2, where Luigi is looking at the windmills littering the course)
Luigi: Wow! Yahoo!
Wario: Good luck to me! Ah-ha-ha-ha!
(He hits the ball under the windmill, where Waluigi is hiding in order to prepare a prank. Luigi is looking underneath the windmill)
Luigi: Goochie-goochie! Waaaah!
(A Spiny Shell with the ball strapped to it flies out, heading straight for the hole. The shell explodes, causing the ball to go in for another Hole-in-One, with Wario gloating)
Wario: Hah-hah-hah! Put that in the record books!
Luigi: Okey-dokey, look out! Foooore!
(He hits the ball under the windmill, where Waluigi is still hiding and attempting to ruin Luigi's shot. He replaces the regular ball with a Poke Ball, but Luigi is unaware of the switch and prepares to swing)
'(Luigi hits the Poke Ball, unleashing a Pidgeotto. After a beat, the bird starts to attack Luigi)
Pidgeotto: Squawk! Who's the b*tch? Who's the b*tch?
(Pidgeotto chases Luigi around while Mario grows suspicious. He throws a Bob-omb under the windmill, surprising Waluigi and blowing up on him. We then cut to Round 3, which is set on an island beach as Wario has achieved a low score of +34)
Hank Hill (offscreen): Loser! You're a loser!
(Wario slams his club against a palm tree in anger, causing it to fall down)
Princess Daisy: This shot's so easy!
(Daisy hits the ball, which goes over a bridge and into the hole for an instant Hole-in-One. Daisy brags about her victory)
Daisy: Oh, yeah! I won! You know I'll win!
(Wario is enraged at this unladylike behavior and transforms into a clone of Daisy with his head plastered on her)
Wario: (mockingly) Hello! It's-a-me! It's-a-goody two-shoe Daisy! (he cracks up) I'm-a-so funny, I make myself-a-laugh!
(Daisy is infuriated at Wario taunting her)
Wario: Who has-a-time for women these-a-days? (bursts into hysterical laughing, only to stop when he notices a deformed Daisy roaring at him, with Peach making a trollface as Wario panics)
(Wario runs towards him, preparing to use him as a Waluigi Launcher again, but Waluigi dodges him triumphantly)
Waluigi: Not today!
(Screaming in his deformed form, Waluigi throws Wario at Daisy, who proceeds to give Wario the beating of his life as Waluigi makes his escape. We cut to half time, where the Wario Bros. race to the clubhouse to check on the tournament leaderboard, only to realize that they were eliminated from the playoffs. The Wario Bros. break down in anger)
Waluigi: Wah-hah-hah-hah! Yeah! (he pulls out a pen, ready to vandalize the leaderboard)
Wario: Oh, yeah!
(The two are interrupted by Toad)
Toad: Hey, what are you doing?
Wario: Oh, no!
(Things get worse for the duo when they notice Mario and the other players approaching the clubhouse)
Mario: Hey! Are you ready to Mariocise?
(The Wario Bros. panic and have no choice but to think fast. Waluigi calls for Mario's attention)
Waluigi: Wah-hah-hah-hah! You're cheating!
(We cut to Toad holding the pen and standing near the leaderboard, having vandalized it to make it seem that Mario and Luigi were eliminated from the semifinals and that Toad, who himself was eliminated from the playoffs, had won the championship. Mario is not amused)
Mario: HE F*CKING CHEATED!!!
(Mario and Daisy start chasing Toad around as Wario and Waluigi continue to vandalize the leaderboard. When Mario calms down, he passes out upon seeing the updated leaderboard, with Wario and Waluigi advancing to the finals instead of Mario and Luigi)
Mario: Oh, mamma mia!
Luigi: Oh, no.
(The Wario Bros. celebrate their underhanded tactics, but their joy turns to horror upon realizing that DK and Yoshi are their opponents in the championship. We cut to the final round, taking place at a snowy mountain where DK is taunting the Wario Bros.)
Wario: Who do you think you are, buster?
DK: (hoots and pulls out a banana)
(Yoshi arrives with DK's golf clubs, but DK tricks him into committing suicide by throwing a watermelon off the mountain. Yoshi takes off after it and is eliminated from the tournament)
DK: I can beat the both of you on my own!
(DK prepares to make his shot, but Wario and Waluigi take advantage of the situation by distracting and taunting him)
Waluigi: Are you sweating?
Waluigi: Bang bang!
Wario: (babbles unintelligibly)
Waluigi: I just sh*t my pants!
Wario: I love boobies!
(Unfazed, DK swings his club and hits the ball, sending it sailing out of the area. After a beat, Wario and Waluigi start laughing hysterically, unaware that the ball is travelling towards the hole. The ball goes through a cave and into the hole, giving DK an automatic Hole-in-One)
Wario: This is bullsh*t!
(Cut to Waluigi getting ready for his shot, with Wario egging him on)
DK: HEEEEEEEEEY BUDDDDDDY....DON'T LOSE!
Wario: Get out of here! Ha-ha-ha! Hey, what time is it?
Waluigi: (laughing) WALUIGI TIME! (transforms into Walurambo and poses similarly to the Wii Fit Trainer, showing off and even hitting Wario with a golf club spawned from his crotch at one point. After that dramatic buildup, Waluigi swings his club, but loses his grip on it and throws it at the window of an Old Man Hobo's cabin)
Old Man Hobo: Nice job, d*ckface!
(A montage plays of the Wario Bros. continuing to fail at golf, with Wario messing up on Hole 2, getting a Triple Bogey on Hole 3 and trying to commit suicide, Waluigi hitting Old Man Hobo's cabin again on Hole 4, the ball hitting a tree on Hole 5 and crushing the duo thanks to DK's stomping, and Waluigi hitting Old Man's cabin a third time on Hole 6)
Old Man Hobo: You darn kids get off my property!
(Eventually on Hole 18, the Wario Bros. stop to catch their breath and check the results, which state that DK has 153 points and the Wario Bros. have none, not to mention a $100 fine for damaging Old Man Hobo's cabin)
Wario: Oh, man! I hate losing!
Waluigi: Awwww! Waluigi no win this time!
Wario: Come on, come on! Aaaah! (suddenly, he gets an idea)
(We cut to DK, who is wondering where Wario and Waluigi went. We then cut to Wario driving a tractor across the landscape towards DK)
Wario: If I can't be the best, I sure as heck won't be the worst! F**K YOU, MOTHERF**KER!
(He runs DK over with the tractor, dragging him forward as Wario laughs evilly and DK screeches in terror)
Wario: Defeated now, B*TCH?!
(DK flies off the tractor as Wario crashes it into the snow. DK tries to make his escape, but is stopped by Waluigi, who screams at DK to scare him away. Waluigi hops onto the tractor)
Waluigi: Come on, let's-a-go!
(DK rushes to Dr. Pootis's Weapons Shop)
Dr. Pootis: You! Yes, you! Fart like big man.
(Wario and Waluigi come to a stop, wondering where DK went. They are alerted of his presence when DK comes running back to them, wielding a rocket launcher)
DK: Surprise, motherf**ker!
(The Wario Bros. hightail it out of there as DK chases after them, all the while shooting missiles at them. Waluigi jumps onto the back of the tractor, grumbling incoherently as DK screeches at him)
Wario: Hurry up, will ya?
Waluigi: (getting an idea) Wah-hah-hah!
(He holds up a golf club, preparing to hit the ball at DK. DK launches a Bullet Bill at Waluigi, who laughs as he launches the ball at him. The ball and Bullet Bill ricochet off each other, causing the Bullet Bill to blow DK up and eliminate him from the competition and the ball to go flying off)
Wario: Oh, yeah! Wario wins!
(The tractor goes off a cliff while the ball continues to fly off. Wario and Waluigi panic as they fall down, but Wario is ecstatic when he sees water below them. However, the water turns out to be a frozen lake, so the Wario Bros. land hard. Meanwhile, the ball continues to fly into the stratosphere, passing by Mario Head, Toadwardo, and Ztar).
Mario Head: Oh, look!
(The ball then passes by two Japanese golfers in Japan arguing, one of whom resembles Fire Mario. Finally, the ball falls towards Peach's Castle, where it bounces off of Toad's head, causing it to fall into the hole that leads to the secret Vanish Cap Under the Moat level and awarding the Wario Bros. 10000 bonus golf points)
Wario: I get you next time!
Announcer: AND THE WINNER OF THE GOLF COMPETITION IS: THE WARIO BROS.!!!
(The Wario Bros. celebrate excitedly, but their celebration is cut short when the tractor lands on top of them, causing a Game Over screen to appear as the episode ends)
(Outro, fade to black)