(The intro opens with Mario, lying on his side and smiling)
(A Video of Mario's old kitchen on fire appears while in the background Mario screams. Afterwards, the next scene's camera angle shows Mario in front of a building that had a sign that read "Mario Restaurante")
Mario: Now me and Bowser own a awesome diner!
(Mario chuckles and walks inside, meeting up with the Toasty Shy Guy as a cashier)
Mario: hey toast shy guy cashier!
(In the background, Waluigi randomly shouting and spazzing out can be heard)
Mario: Movin' on the ground, movin' on the ground. beautiful isn't it? *walks into the kitchen* and oh look! bowser is hard at work! just watch and learn from the master.
(Bowser is wearing a chef's hat, staring at a melon)
Bowser: *growls then chuckles* Hey baby.
(Bowser starts humping the watermeleon, singing "Boombastic", making Mario freak out)
Mario: *freaked out* NO MAN! WHAT THE F*CK?!
Bowser: What? You don´t like melon? I Love melon!
(Title appears while bowser says "don't give me that look")
- How to cook: Italian Ravioli
Mario: Yeepe! first letsa make the second best dish in the world! Lets a go! bowser! you have the ingredients ready?
Bowser: uhh yeah sure...
(Bowser throws Doritos on the shelf)
Mario: that is Doritos, not the ingredients.
Bowser: *shakes his head* Nope. ehh the ingredients shop said Doritos are better than normal dough
Mario: Doritos are stupid, stupid, stupid!
(Bowser does the Dramatic Chipmunk stare,then throws Mario at the shelf and tosses the Doritos on the stove, which suddenly turn into a plate of ravioli)
Bowser: *has shades on and sings, whille dancing around* Umm I'm the best, umm I'm the best, umm I'm the beeeeeeeest! (While GTA San Andreas Music plays)
Mario: Mamma-mia... *walks to the ravioli* Hey I'm-a hungry.
(Then a plate of spaghetti comes in the room while Mario eats the Ravioli)
Mario: *notices the spaghetti and panics* Uh oh!
Spaghetti: *gasps* I THOUGH WHAT WE HAD WAS SPECIALLLLLLL!!!!
Mario: I can explain!
(Spaghetti then takes a Minigun and shoots Mario out of the room while he screams)
- How to Cook: Yoshi omelette
(Cut to a group of Yoshis at a table)
Text: TARGET ACQUIRED
Mario: GO GO GO!
Ivo Robotnik: Ok!
(Robotnik/Eggman gives a thumbs up at Birdo, who then points at Link)
Link: Hiya! *throws a rock at a Bob-Omb near Toad*
(Bob-omb activates and it explodes, burning Toad who,in a fit of terror, turns on the Fire button)
Heavy: *runs across the room, with a sandwich in front of his head*Yatatatatata, Yatatatatatata, Dududamdam... *steps on a button on the floor and it explodes* Kaboom!
(A piece of toast appears, but misses the button in front of Toast Shy Guy)
Toast Shy Guy: TOAST! (lunges out for the toast,then hits the button)
(Bowser hangs from the slowly lowering rope down to the yoshis but fails and smashes the table)
(Yoshi poops out an egg then bowser takes it and does a victory dance and gives it to Mario)
Mario: now you just have to crack the egg and boil!
(Mario cracks the egg,suddenly James Doakes comes out and says Surprise mother f*cker! Mario is terrified while the X-Files Music plays in the background)
- How to cook: Old Man Soup
Mario: we're going to make juicy soup now!! to make it! we're going to need an old man! BOWSER! Ready to go look for an old man?
(Cut to Bowser holding a gun)
Bowser: Let's do this!
(Cut to Mario sneaking out the door)
Bowser: (visibly scared) UUH,SOMEBODY!?
Mario: Mama-Mia-- (spots the Old Man) There's a Pokemon!
Old Man: POOTIS! (hides)
Bowser: Get that motherf*cker! (Mario chases the Old Man while Bowser screams like a little girl)
Mario: Come here, fishy fishy! Here, fishy fishy!
(The Old Man jumpscares Mario and latches onto his face while shouting random gibberish)
Mario: AHH, JESUS CHRIST! GET IT OFF!!!
Bowser: Oh, sh*t! (throws a gun at the Old Man but it barely stuns him)
(Mario screams while Bowser panics and tries to do something, suddenly Bowser's Grandma appears out of nowhere)
Bowser's Grandma: Hey, be a man! Do the right thing! (disappears)
Bowser: *gets brave* SHOWTIME! (starts breathing fire while a crowd screams and the Attack on Titan theme plays, as the fire disappears, Mario is on fire and screaming then the Old Man chases him) Ah, sh*t! (runs away then bursts through the door) HALLLP MEEE!!!
Shy Guy Cashier: Dafuq?
(the Old Man starts to bash Bowser's a*s)
Bowser: Hey! What was that? OW! HEY, CUT THAT OUT! My a*s, IT FEELS SORE!
Mario: IT'S OKAY, I GOT YOU BRO!
Bowser: OH GOOD! What are you going to do? (no reply) uh, Mario?
(Camera pan out to Mario on top of a large tank)
Bowser: (screams something along the lines of "NO DON'T DO IT")
(Cut to inside the kitchen, when Mario finally captures the old man, having him in a cage)
Dr. Mario: Alright, now let's see the damage.
(Pan out to show Bowser with an MK-42 missile up his a$$)
Dr. Mario: HOLY CRAP!
Mario: (grunts) IT'S TIME TO MAKE OLD MAN SOUP!
(Mario asks the Old Man to make him soup, but he says no. Then, Mario punches the Old Man, and he farts out the soup and leaves.)
Mario: *visibly tired* And that's how YOU FRICKEN make Old Man soup.
(Mario tastes the Old Man soup)
Mario: MAMAF**KER! HEY! This soup is cold! YOU SON OF A BI-
- How to cook:...Raisins?
Mario: Now a simple dish! We're gonna make--
(Suddenly the old lady appears beside Mario)
Old Lady: RAISINS!
Mario: No! Hey, stinky!
(Old Lady points a gun at Mario)
Mario: *squeals,then ducks* Okay, thanks...
(The old lady then starts spazzing out as "ingredients" appear)
Text: How to make...raisins?
- Cottage Cheese
(sexy music while an old man scrolls across the screen)
(Cut to a door,which opens to reveal Bowser)
Bowser: Mario..uhh we have a problem.
(an ax is thrown at Bowser, but it hits the wall)
Bowser: (jumps back) WHOA!
Old Lady: (going full spazz mode) RAISINS!!
Mario: Ehh, don't ask...
(Cut to the cash register desk)
Mario: WAH? What do you mean the Shy Guy cashier is gone?!
Bowser: He's just not here!
(Cut to SMG4 with a tray of fries and toast)
SMG4: *ranting* Where's my burrito!? Where's my burrito!? Where's my burrito! (turns around to see Shy Guy staring at him) WTF do you want!?
Shy Guy: TOAST!! (goes crazy and knocks over SMG4's table and him)
(Cut back to a drunk-looking Mario,while Shy Guy spews out fire and flies crazily around the room.)
Mario: Mama mia... Well I'll do cashier for a while then... Someone is going to need to show our awesome cooking!
(Cut to Mario behind the register, taking over as the cashier as he hums the Super Mario Bros theme. Just then, Luigi enters and meets Mario at the register.)
Luigi: Hey Mario!
Mario: Hello sir! Welcome to Mario's Restaurante!
(Cut to Luigi behind a Mario Party-like wallpaper)
Mario: *off screen* We have-a pizza pie, spaghetti, meatballs... (the food items appear above Luigi as Mario explains)
Luigi: I want to buy a burger!
Mario: *looks mad* This is Italian food! We don't have that stuff!
(Luigi suddenly grows bigger and has a Weegee face, scaring Mario)
Luigi: *in a demonic voice* I... WANT A BURGER!!!
Mario: No Luigi! I, don't sell burgers here!
(Cut to Luigi behind a fiery background)
Luigi: THEN YOU CAN GO TO H*LL MARIO!
(Mario gets scared, as a gun cocking sound is heard off-screen, making Mario duck behind the register before a gunshot blows it up. Luigi then turns around to see a guy by the door with a wheelbarrow full of burgers.)
Burger Guy: Burgers!
(Luigi pulls out a shotgun, having a Weegee face again.)
Luigi: I want to buy a pizza pie! (Freaking Hypocrite! XD)
(The burger guy gets scared and runs out of the restaurant, screaming)
- Special Guest Chef!
(Cut to Mario in the kitchen)
Mario: *chuckles* It is now time to bring our special guest chef!
(Cut to a purple Teletubby, with a news microphone moving towards it)
Mario: *off screen* Presenting tubby chef!
Tubby Chef: Hello!
Mario: *has the microphone* What will you be cooking for us today?
Tubby Chef: *has the microphone again* Tubbycustard!
Mario: Wonderful! (which is ironic because Mario normally hates Tubbycustard.)
(Bowser is seen, taking cover from behind a counter.)
Bowser: This isn't going to end well...
(Bowser Jr. appears, nudging himself against Bowser)
Bowser Jr.: Ew, I just can't find my way around this faaaatso!
(Cut to Tubby Chef, skipping out of a doorway and through the kitchen, singing "Candy Man" from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory)
Tubby Chef: Who can take the sunrise...
(Tubby Chef slides past Luigi, spreading sparkles in his face)
Tubby Chef: Sprinkle in the dew...
Luigi: Wha?! *turns around and sneezes* Achoo!!
(Tubby Chef dances near a counter and then on top of a bowl, weirding out Mario)
Tubby Chef: Cover it with choc'late and a miracle or two...
(Tubby Chef pops up in front of Bowser, as he replaces "Candy Man" in the song with "Teletubies", before dancing again. He then goes over to a man, wearing a black suit and puts his right arm around his shoulder.)
Tubby Chef: The Candy Man can... *spreads out his left arm*
Mario: Uhh, who the hell is that guy?
Bowser: Oh! He said he assists the chef.
(The man goes deeper into the kitchen, towards a counter, while Tubby Chef is still dancing and red curtains cover up the man and the back of the kitchen. Just then, a sign drops down that reads "Do Not Enter" along with another one, popping up, that read "Top Secret", making Mario angry.),
Mario: Hey! Mammaf*cker! I want to see the tubby custard get made!
(Mario grunts angrily and runs past Tubby Chef and to the back of the kitchen, where the man was making the Tubbycustard.)
(Cut to the Man, throwing weed in the bowl of Tubbycustard.)
Man: Smoke weed everyday!
Mario: You use plants to make tubbycustard? That's boring! Let me spice things up!
(Mario runs to in front of the bowl)
Mario: No wonder they smell like crap! I know a cool trick!
(Mario pulls out a red mushroom and throws it in the bowl)
Mario: Just add a bit of mushrooms :D
Man: *panics* NO! WAIT WAIT WAIT!
(The bowl starts to shake violently, scaring Mario and making the man run out of the kitchen.)
Man: RUN B*TCH! RUUUN!!!
Bowser: NO, I DON'T WANNA DIE!
Tubby Chef: FIX IT! FIX IT! FIX IT! FIX IT! FIX IT! FIX IT!
Mario: Holy sh*t! What do I do?!
(Roaring is heard from the bowl, as Shrek starts to slowly emerge from it, making everyone scream in a spazzing fit of terror. Eventually, Shrek is fully out of the bowl and looking around as the room grows silent and everyone is nervously staring at him. The camera starts to zoom into his face until, after a few seconds, it suddenly becomes disfigured while Caramelldansen starts playing in the background. He starts spazzing out in front of the table, scaring Mario.)
(Shrek flies onto Bowser's face and then all over the kitchen, knocking over everything in sight, including Bowser. He bursts through the kitchen door and into the dining room, casuing chaos as he destroys an occupied table and goes on top of another one, dancing while Mario and Bowser stare at him. Afterwards, Shrek spazzes across the room with the background spiraling behind him.)
SMG4: Where's my burri- OW!
(Shrek crashes into SMG4's table and interrupts his ranting before spazzing out on the Yoshi's table, hitting the red Yoshi, makes out with Waluigi then appears in front of a Caramelldansen background, dancing to the song. Finally, he bursts out of the restaurant entrance and flies to the moon. Mario and Bowser are then seen outside the door, looking up at the sky where Shrek once was.)
Bowser: Okay then...
(Cut to Mario and Bowser back in the dinning room, with Mario looking a bit possessed)
Bowser: Well that's all the time we have for cooking folks! It's sad I know. We missed out on my famous chilli biscuits.
(Bowser pulls out a chili biscuit, which looks like an angry sun, and eats it before almost immediately turning red from the heat.)
Bowser: Hmm? Uh oh...
(Bowser groans loudly as he farts out a large stream of fire, straight at a nearby Toad, who got burned to the point where he turned into a skeleton.)
Bowser: *turns to the burned Toad* Sorry! *turns back to the camera* Anyway, Mario any last words before we go?
(Bowser turned to Mario for a response but received no reply as Mario sat there, still looking possessed.)
Bowser: Uhhh, Mario? You alright?
(The camera zooms in on Mario before flashbacks to earlier scenes of the blooper appear, including the scene with Shrek dancing with a Caramelldansen background and the scene with Tubby Chef being interviewed, but each one had a Illuminati pyramid in it, on Shrek's hand and Tubby Chef's upside-down triangle antennae. Afterwards, Mario starts violently spazzing out.)
(Just then, Eggman comes into the dining room and he wasn't happy one bit with the mess.)
Dr. Eggman: WHAT HAPPENED TO MY FREAKING RESTAURANT?!
Mario: *scared* Aw sh*t! He figured it out!
(Mario and Bowser both run out of the restaurant, screaming, with Toast Shy Guy following close behind. After they left, the sign on the outside wall, that read "Mario Restaurante", fell off and revealed the real sign that was behind it, that read "Pingas Restaurante.)
Dr.Eggman: Ugh... How could I let this happen?
(However, SMG4 was still in the restaurant, appearing near Eggman and continued ranting.)
SMG4: Where's my burrito!? Where's my burrito!? Where's my burrito!?
(Eggman had enough, took out a gun and shot SMG4.)
(End of blooper)