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Guards N' Retards: The Butt Ninja/transcript

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This is the transcript of SuperMarioGlitchy4's blooper, Guards N' Retards: The Butt Ninja.

The Guards N' Retards series often uses both subtitles and voices at the same time. In the case of a discrepancy, the voice will be used in the transcript instead of the subtitles.  

TranscriptEdit

(The video starts with Chris and Swagmaster69696969696[1] guarding a door.)

Chris: Holy crap, I can't believe they re-assigned me here.

Swag: WHAT THE FACK?! Where are all the sexy a$$ ladies they said in the commercial?!

Chris: You dumba$$, you're working in a spaghetti factory.

Swag: (camera spinning around) WHAAAAAAAT?

This is bullsh*t! I don't e know why I took this lamea$$ job! I could be banging weed, throwing hippie parties, and naked dancing with the president!

Swag: Pen!s pen!s pen!s pen!s pen!s!
Chris: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!

(Cut to a factory worker playing Flappy Bird on his cell phone and losing)

Factory worker: FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU...

Admiral Greg: (walks into room) What the hell is going on?

Factory worker (offscreen): SHUT UP, GRANDMA! (Greg leaves) DRINK YOUR PRUNE JUICE! (a Buzzy Beetle is thrown at the door, presumably by the factory worker)

(cut to Chris)

Chris: My name's Chris. Since we're working togther[2] I think it might be neccess-

Swag (interrupting Chris): Hey, can you take my pants off?

Chris (backs away): What the sh*t?

Swag: lol jks,[3] Chris. You can call me by my utubes name: Swagmaster69696969-[4]

Chris (interrupting): Yeah okay, I get it!

Offscreen voice: TIME FOR TELETUBBIES! TIME FOR TELETUBBIES!

Chris: OH CRAP, the boss is coming. Get into position.

Swag: Why? What's so scary about the boss?

(Tubbie Wonka walks in)

Tubbie Wonka: ♫ La-la-la! ♫

Swag: HOLY D1CK NUGGETS

what the FACK IS THAT?!

Chris: Swag, what are you?...

Swag: STAHP IN THE NAME OF OUR BELOVED GAWD

STAHP, YOU FATTY WAT

(Tubbie Wonka shoots Swag) ahhhhh, AHHHHHHHH! (falls to the ground)

Chris: lol

Tubbie Wonka: stop messing around and get to work!

Chris: YES SIR!

Swag: how much am i being paid for this shet

Tubbie Wonka: YOU GET, NOTHING! (leaves)

Swag: what a butthole

(Swag runs into the bathroom) I need to take a pee pee. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAA!

(Swag opens a stall only to find Morgan Freeman in front of the toilet)

Morgan Freeman: Everyone Poops, as read by Morgan Freeman, and frankly, I just don't give a sh*t!

(Morgan explodes)

Swag: What the sh*t?

(Swag runs back to Chris)

Swag: Dude, there's sum crazy guy women in the toilets

Chris: Yeah, well this whole factory is full of mental patients

(Swag is spinning around and making noises)

Swag: ????? (pronounced ess-ess-ess-ess-ess)

Chris: What the hell are you doing?

Swag: I am so bored....

Chris: Yeah, well that's what you get for choosing a job like this

(gun shots are heard, accompanied by someone screaming)

Chris: Wow, what in the world?

(The Butt Ninja runs into view. Cut to long view of the Butt Ninja and then a long view of Chris. The Butt Ninja screeches as he runs away)

Chris: HE'S GETTING AWAY! GET YOUR A$$ OVER HERE!

Swag: LOL, good luck with that!

(The Butt Ninja runs down the hall, laughing as Chris chases after him)

Chris: Godammit! Slow down!

(Cut to Swag still standing at his post, banging his head to A$$ and Titties)

Swag: Oh yeah. Smack it.

(The Butt Ninja runs through the door)

Chris: Dude, watch out!

Swag: What the hell do you want? AHHHH, ASIAN NINJA WANTS MY TESTICLE!

(The Butt Ninja runs past Swag, knocking him down)

Swag: Aarrrrrggghhhh! MYYYYY BALLLS....

Chris: Oh sh*t! Swagmaster, are you okay?

(Swag is lying on the floor, seemingly close to death)

Swag: Do I f**king look okay, dumba$$? Before I awsumly die, can you do one last thing, Chris?

Chris: Seek medical attention?

Swag: No. B00bs, Chris, b00bs. Bring them to me quickly. Only b00bs can fix everything.

(Chris shoots him)

Swag: AAAAaaaahhhhh!

(cut to a hallway)

Swag: Ninja stealth mode activated.

(Swag pops into view)

Swag: SCHWOP!

(He goes back and forth behind the wall)

Swag: Pen!s, pen!s, pen!s! Wooooooo, I am a ninja!

Chris: Holy crap, hurry up!

(the Butt Ninja hides behind a wall as Swag runs past)

Swag: Where the hell is he? I'm gonna chop off his balls.

(Swag and Chris run down the hall)

Chris: Come out, come out, where ever you are!

(Chris sees Crazy Woman wandering around)

Chris: Who is that?

Swag: LADY, THERE IS A CRAZY A$$ BUTT NINJA! GOING TO TAKE OUT YOUR BALLS!

Chris: Miss, it's not safe to be around here!

Crazy Woman: MEET THE OLD MAN AND THE...RAISINS!

(she starts shooting all over the place)

Chris: Oh, Jesus Christ!

(Swag and Chris retreat)

Swag: GODAMMIT CHRIS!

(cut to Swag and Chris stopping to catch their breath)

Chris: Oh god...I think we're safe....

Swag: Why Chris? Why you piss off old people?

Chris: Oh shut up!

(Chris looks out the window, with the Crazy Woman still wandering around)

Chris: That psycho lady is still there! We need to get past her!

Swag: But....how?

(Greg suddenly appears)

Greg: Hey! You're not supposed to be here!

Swag: What does this gay fag want?

Greg: I am Admiral Greg. You should be at your post.

Swag: NO U!

Greg: Excuse me? That's very rude!

Swag: WANNA 1V1 ME FAGET? Come at me!

Greg: You should learn some manners!

Swag: Nipple twist!!

(Swag knocks Greg down)

Swag: Shut up, Greg.

Greg: Aaargh!

Chris: Hey Greg, there's an elderly person outside who needs help!

Greg: Greg is here to help!

Swag: Nipple twist!!

(Swag knocks Greg down again. Cut to Crazy Woman aiming her gun)

Crazy Woman: MEET THE OLD MAN AND THE...

Greg: Hello m'am! Can I help you?

Crazy Woman: RAISINS!

(Greg screams as the crazy lady shoots him while Swag and Chris make their escape)

Swag: LOL douchebag!

Chris: Oh great...

Swag: Now what smart a$$?

Chris: We find and punish that ninja!

(Swag is humping Chris)

Swag: In the balls!

Chris: Shut up, Swagmaster! And stop humping me!

Swag: In the balls! Wait what? No homo.

Chris: We'll split up, OK?

Swag: Butt ninja, where are you?

(Cut to Chris running down the hall)

Chris: Wait!

(Chris sees someone that looks like the Butt Ninja)

Chris: Aha! Got you! STOP RIGHT THERE MOFO!

(Chris knocks the person down)

Chris: Surprise buttsex!

(Chris realizes that he just knocked out Morgan Freeman)

Chris: Oh, what the f**k?!

Morgan Freeman: Tity sprinkles. (his eye tings)

Chris: WUT!?

(Morgan explodes on Chris. Meanwhile, Swag catches up to the Butt Ninja)

Swag: Ah. We meet again, butt ninja!

(Cut to long view of the Butt Ninja)

Swag: This is why they call me Swag master. Swag mode: activate!

(Swag starts raving and using his swag at the Butt Ninja, who eventually joins him in dancing)

Swag: SWAG. SWAG. SWAG. SO. MUCH. SWAG.

Chris: WHAT THE MOTHER DUCK IS GOING ON HERE?!

Swag: Swag (unintelligible) God dammit Chris! You screwed up my swag!

Chris: Well sh*t! I thought you were called Swag Master just cause you wanted friends.

Swag: That's bullsh*t! I have friends! Butt Ninja is my friend!

(Butt Ninja shoots him)

Swag: AH JESUS CHRIST!

Chris: OH NO! He's getting away! Get that motherf**ker!

Swag: For the mother lands!

(Butt Ninja runs around the corner)

Swag: He has to be around here!

(Swag runs up to the factory worker from before, still playing Flappy Bird.)

Swag: Hey you! Have you seen a ninja that likes to touch butts?

(The factory worker dies)

Worker: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!

Swag: Wow...OK then...

Chris: Oh there he is!!! Why are you here? Just tell us!

(Greg reappears)

Greg: I'm back b*tches!

Swag: Shut up, Greg.

(Swag nipple twists Greg yet again)

Chris: Come on, Swag. We are almost ther-

(Chris notices Morgan Freeman in the window)

Morgan Freeman: I can smell you. (his eye tings again)

Chris: Ahh sh*t!

(Morgan explodes)

Chris: Dammit...we lost him...again.

Swag: Don't be :([5] Chris. At least you tried.

Chris: Wow, really? That might be the nicest thing you've said.

Swag: Lol jks, you're a faget, Chris.

(Chris stares at Swag in disbelief. The Butt Ninja disappears around the bend)

Chris: Hey! Did you see that?

Swag: God! Screw this Nintendo game!

(Chris and Swag enter the bathroom)

Chris: He's in here somewhere...

Swag: Hello anyone?

(Swag opens up a stall)

Swag: Just poop lol. Maybe this one?

(He opens the next one, only to find Crazy Woman in there)

Crazy Woman: RAISINS!

Swag: OH SH*T NO! How about this?

(He opens the third stall, only to have someone scream at him)

Swag: Hey nice underwear.

Chris (staring up at the air vents): Oh crap...

Swag: What?...Oh...Boost me up!

Chris: Why? He's probably already gone.

Swag: Just do it faget!

(Swag is now in the air vent)

Swag: Wow! It smells like my house in here!

Chris: Is the butt ninja up there?

Swag: There aren't any balls or butts to touch in here...

(Cut to a factory worker talking with Sergeant Mark)

Factory Worker: Sir, want to try the new rat killers we installed in the air vents?

Mark: Lawl, do it cause I'm a faget!

(Swag gets burnt)

Swag: AHHHHH!! ERFAHHHH! SH*T SH*T SH*T!

(Cut to Swag and Chris back at their post)

Chris: He he, sorry about that!

Swag: Shut the f**k up!

Chris: Hey come on! Today's your first day! We had fun, right?

Swag: Oh yeah, being burnt, getting ninja aids, and losing swag was fun...

Chris: Yeah, well, deal with it. This is your job now...

(Morgan Freeman appears)

Morgan Freeman: GOTCHA B*TCH!

(Chris screams as Swag stares in confusion)

Swag: The f**k? (cut to a close-up of himself, while glasses fall on his eyes) Swag mode activate!

(advertisement shows for SMG4's Candy Van, outro)

End of Transcript

NotesEdit

  1. Swag for short
  2. This typo is present in the video.
  3. Pronounced "jokes".
  4. Pronounced "Swagmaster sixty-nine billion six hundred ninety-six million nine hundred sixty-ni-"
  5. Pronounced "sad face"

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