The Guards N' Retards series often uses both subtitles and voices at the same time. In the case of a discrepancy, the voice will be used in the transcript instead of the subtitles.
Chris: Holy crap, I can't believe they re-assigned me here.
Swag: WHAT THE FACK?! Where are all the sexy a$$ ladies they said in the commercial?!
Chris: You dumba$$, you're working in a spaghetti factory.
Swag: (camera spinning around) WHAAAAAAAT?
This is bullsh*t! I don't e know why I took this lamea$$ job! I could be banging weed, throwing hippie parties, and naked dancing with the president!
Swag: Pen!s pen!s pen!s pen!s pen!s!
(Cut to a factory worker playing Flappy Bird on his cell phone and losing)
Factory worker: FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU...
Admiral Greg: (walks into room) What the hell is going on?
Factory worker (offscreen): SHUT UP, GRANDMA! (Greg leaves) DRINK YOUR PRUNE JUICE! (a Buzzy Beetle is thrown at the door, presumably by the factory worker)
(cut to Chris)
Chris: My name's Chris. Since we're working togther I think it might be neccess-
Swag (interrupting Chris): Hey, can you take my pants off?
Chris (backs away): What the sh*t?
Chris (interrupting): Yeah okay, I get it!
Offscreen voice: TIME FOR TELETUBBIES! TIME FOR TELETUBBIES!
Chris: OH CRAP, the boss is coming. Get into position.
Swag: Why? What's so scary about the boss?
(Tubbie Wonka walks in)
Tubbie Wonka: ♫ La-la-la! ♫
Swag: HOLY D1CK NUGGETS
what the FACK IS THAT?!
Chris: Swag, what are you?...
Swag: STAHP IN THE NAME OF OUR BELOVED GAWD
STAHP, YOU FATTY WAT
(Tubbie Wonka shoots Swag) ahhhhh, AHHHHHHHH! (falls to the ground)
Tubbie Wonka: stop messing around and get to work!
Chris: YES SIR!
Swag: how much am i being paid for this shet
Tubbie Wonka: YOU GET, NOTHING! (leaves)
Swag: what a butthole
(Swag runs into the bathroom) I need to take a pee pee. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAA!
(Swag opens a stall only to find Morgan Freeman in front of the toilet)
Morgan Freeman: Everyone Poops, as read by Morgan Freeman, and frankly, I just don't give a sh*t!
Swag: What the sh*t?
(Swag runs back to Chris)
Swag: Dude, there's sum crazy guy women in the toilets
Chris: Yeah, well this whole factory is full of mental patients
(Swag is spinning around and making noises)
Swag: ????? (pronounced ess-ess-ess-ess-ess)
Chris: What the hell are you doing?
Swag: I am so bored....
Chris: Yeah, well that's what you get for choosing a job like this
(gun shots are heard, accompanied by someone screaming)
Chris: Wow, what in the world?
(The Butt Ninja runs into view. Cut to long view of the Butt Ninja and then a long view of Chris. The Butt Ninja screeches as he runs away)
Chris: HE'S GETTING AWAY! GET YOUR A$$ OVER HERE!
Swag: LOL, good luck with that!
(The Butt Ninja runs down the hall, laughing as Chris chases after him)
Chris: Godammit! Slow down!
(Cut to Swag still standing at his post, banging his head to A$$ and Titties)
Swag: Oh yeah. Smack it.
(The Butt Ninja runs through the door)
Chris: Dude, watch out!
Swag: What the hell do you want? AHHHH, ASIAN NINJA WANTS MY TESTICLE!
(The Butt Ninja runs past Swag, knocking him down)
Swag: Aarrrrrggghhhh! MYYYYY BALLLS....
Chris: Oh sh*t! Swagmaster, are you okay?
(Swag is lying on the floor, seemingly close to death)
Swag: Do I f**king look okay, dumba$$? Before I awsumly die, can you do one last thing, Chris?
Chris: Seek medical attention?
Swag: No. B00bs, Chris, b00bs. Bring them to me quickly. Only b00bs can fix everything.
(Chris shoots him)
(cut to a hallway)
Swag: Ninja stealth mode activated.
(Swag pops into view)
(He goes back and forth behind the wall)
Swag: Pen!s, pen!s, pen!s! Wooooooo, I am a ninja!
Chris: Holy crap, hurry up!
(the Butt Ninja hides behind a wall as Swag runs past)
Swag: Where the hell is he? I'm gonna chop off his balls.
(Swag and Chris run down the hall)
Chris: Come out, come out, where ever you are!
(Chris sees Crazy Woman wandering around)
Chris: Who is that?
Swag: LADY, THERE IS A CRAZY A$$ BUTT NINJA! GOING TO TAKE OUT YOUR BALLS!
Chris: Miss, it's not safe to be around here!
Crazy Woman: MEET THE OLD MAN AND THE...RAISINS!
(she starts shooting all over the place)
Chris: Oh, Jesus Christ!
(Swag and Chris retreat)
Swag: GODAMMIT CHRIS!
(cut to Swag and Chris stopping to catch their breath)
Chris: Oh god...I think we're safe....
Swag: Why Chris? Why you piss off old people?
Chris: Oh shut up!
(Chris looks out the window, with the Crazy Woman still wandering around)
Chris: That psycho lady is still there! We need to get past her!
(Greg suddenly appears)
Greg: Hey! You're not supposed to be here!
Swag: What does this gay fag want?
Greg: I am Admiral Greg. You should be at your post.
Swag: NO U!
Greg: Excuse me? That's very rude!
Swag: WANNA 1V1 ME FAGET? Come at me!
Greg: You should learn some manners!
Swag: Nipple twist!!
(Swag knocks Greg down)
Swag: Shut up, Greg.
Chris: Hey Greg, there's an elderly person outside who needs help!
Greg: Greg is here to help!
Swag: Nipple twist!!
(Swag knocks Greg down again. Cut to Crazy Woman aiming her gun)
Crazy Woman: MEET THE OLD MAN AND THE...
Greg: Hello m'am! Can I help you?
Crazy Woman: RAISINS!
(Greg screams as the crazy lady shoots him while Swag and Chris make their escape)
Swag: LOL douchebag!
Chris: Oh great...
Swag: Now what smart a$$?
Chris: We find and punish that ninja!
(Swag is humping Chris)
Swag: In the balls!
Chris: Shut up, Swagmaster! And stop humping me!
Swag: In the balls! Wait what? No homo.
Chris: We'll split up, OK?
Swag: Butt ninja, where are you?
(Cut to Chris running down the hall)
(Chris sees someone that looks like the Butt Ninja)
Chris: Aha! Got you! STOP RIGHT THERE MOFO!
(Chris knocks the person down)
Chris: Surprise buttsex!
(Chris realizes that he just knocked out Morgan Freeman)
Chris: Oh, what the f**k?!
Morgan Freeman: Tity sprinkles. (his eye tings)
(Morgan explodes on Chris. Meanwhile, Swag catches up to the Butt Ninja)
Swag: Ah. We meet again, butt ninja!
(Cut to long view of the Butt Ninja)
Swag: This is why they call me Swag master. Swag mode: activate!
(Swag starts raving and using his swag at the Butt Ninja, who eventually joins him in dancing)
Swag: SWAG. SWAG. SWAG. SO. MUCH. SWAG.
Chris: WHAT THE MOTHER DUCK IS GOING ON HERE?!
Swag: Swag (unintelligible) God dammit Chris! You screwed up my swag!
Chris: Well sh*t! I thought you were called Swag Master just cause you wanted friends.
Swag: That's bullsh*t! I have friends! Butt Ninja is my friend!
(Butt Ninja shoots him)
Swag: AH JESUS CHRIST!
Chris: OH NO! He's getting away! Get that motherf**ker!
Swag: For the mother lands!
(Butt Ninja runs around the corner)
Swag: He has to be around here!
(Swag runs up to the factory worker from before, still playing Flappy Bird.)
Swag: Hey you! Have you seen a ninja that likes to touch butts?
(The factory worker dies)
Swag: Wow...OK then...
Chris: Oh there he is!!! Why are you here? Just tell us!
Greg: I'm back b*tches!
Swag: Shut up, Greg.
(Swag nipple twists Greg yet again)
Chris: Come on, Swag. We are almost ther-
(Chris notices Morgan Freeman in the window)
Morgan Freeman: I can smell you. (his eye tings again)
Chris: Ahh sh*t!
Chris: Dammit...we lost him...again.
Swag: Don't be :( Chris. At least you tried.
Chris: Wow, really? That might be the nicest thing you've said.
Swag: Lol jks, you're a faget, Chris.
(Chris stares at Swag in disbelief. The Butt Ninja disappears around the bend)
Chris: Hey! Did you see that?
Swag: God! Screw this Nintendo game!
(Chris and Swag enter the bathroom)
Chris: He's in here somewhere...
Swag: Hello anyone?
(Swag opens up a stall)
Swag: Just poop lol. Maybe this one?
(He opens the next one, only to find Crazy Woman in there)
Crazy Woman: RAISINS!
Swag: OH SH*T NO! How about this?
(He opens the third stall, only to have someone scream at him)
Swag: Hey nice underwear.
Chris (staring up at the air vents): Oh crap...
Swag: What?...Oh...Boost me up!
Chris: Why? He's probably already gone.
Swag: Just do it faget!
(Swag is now in the air vent)
Swag: Wow! It smells like my house in here!
Chris: Is the butt ninja up there?
Swag: There aren't any balls or butts to touch in here...
(Cut to a factory worker talking with Sergeant Mark)
Factory Worker: Sir, want to try the new rat killers we installed in the air vents?
Mark: Lawl, do it cause I'm a faget!
(Swag gets burnt)
Swag: AHHHHH!! ERFAHHHH! SH*T SH*T SH*T!
(Cut to Swag and Chris back at their post)
Chris: He he, sorry about that!
Swag: Shut the f**k up!
Chris: Hey come on! Today's your first day! We had fun, right?
Swag: Oh yeah, being burnt, getting ninja aids, and losing swag was fun...
Chris: Yeah, well, deal with it. This is your job now...
(Morgan Freeman appears)
Morgan Freeman: GOTCHA B*TCH!
(Chris screams as Swag stares in confusion)
Swag: The f**k? (cut to a close-up of himself, while glasses fall on his eyes) Swag mode activate!
(advertisement shows for SMG4's Candy Van, outro)
End of Transcript